Privacy is hard to find these days.
I have to put on my game face and prove to everybody that I don’t, though…
How am I supposed to deal with all of this on my shoulders? You two helped me with my problems, lifted them like it was no big deal, saved my day. Two guys that were superheroes to me. One a real hero, and one an older brother in a kind of way. Both of you only knew the other’s first name; one of you even disliked the other, but in a way you both worked as a team without knowing it. One of you is gone for who knows how long; I don’t think you’re even coming back, and the other is just drifting away. What the hell did I do to deserve this? That goes to show that the ones that lift you the highest have the ability to drop you to your lowest. Right now I’m just sitting here, holding everything, including myself, together. I don’t know how long I can go, guys.
And you’re gone =/ I feel pathetic for trying to talk to you again last night. How come you didn’t reply, babe? You kept me sane, you helped me get over David, I told you my problems, you cared. Damn, where am I gonna land now?
During the day I’m kissing and hugging him, but you’re still the one that comes to mind when I think of who I like, or who I think is cute, all day everyday. You’re the one I wait for to come online… I always look around for you when I know I’m near a crowd that you’re in. You’re the first one I notice in a big crowd. Today during the homecoming performance, your face was the first one I saw in the audience. I didn’t even remember to look for ACG in the crowd, because you were looking at me. I want to go to the homecoming dance with you, not him. I want us to fall fast like we did before, but I don’t want us to hit the ground. I miss you so much, my chest hurts. I love how we’re still good friends, but I am so confused. You have no idea. When I’m with ACG, I feel safe and loved. Then I think of you, and I think about what we did. More than once, I almost cried at his house while he was holding me, but I was thinking of you. I feel so guilty. Am I bad person for doing this? I feel like I really can’t do anything about it. Why do I still think of you? How can I think of you even when I’m with him? Why… do you still haunt me, David Vuong? It’s been more than four months since everything went wrong.
Even though I’m talking to somebody new, you’re honestly still the one I think about before I fall asleep, the one I wish for at 11:11, the one I want, the one that catches my eye wherever you are, the one I lie to everyone about liking, the one I dedicate songs to, the one I think about 24/7, the one that I want affection from, the one I can’t bear disappointment/letdowns from. You’re still the one I need…
Being with you, even if it was in a group, was just what I needed. It’s been more than three months. I loved it, even if the most contact we had was when our elbows brushed against each others’ as we were both reaching for our seat belts while you were driving. I secretly enjoyed how I felt your hand on the back of my chair as you backed the car out. I felt on top of the world next to you. It was a bit awkward, but that’s normal. You were so cute. I think you’ve gotten cuter, actually. I had to stop myself from holding your hand or staring at the contours of your face by looking out the window and turning that direction. All I want to do now is talk to you. I did, but can’t you seem the least bit interested? You have the ability to make me fly so high, but you also have the ability to make me sink past hell. I wish you would quit disappointing me.
I still want you, so badly. I wish I could tell you, but you will never know.
